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September 23, 2007

it seems that if i’m blogging about an animal or animals, it should go here. even if it’s going on in my personal life.

so for those who aren’t staying on top of my personal blogs, here’s what’s up. tasha is being euthanised tomorrow. i don’t know what’s worse; an unexpected death, or a death you’re expecting.

all day today i’ve been weeping. i just wish i could stop but nothing helps. i wept in the shower, i wept in bed, i wept while cleaning the shower, i wept while petting simon and lenny, i wept at 4am this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep …

what’s haunting me is the actual euthanasia.  the last time i witnessed the euthanasia of a dear friend was about 13 years ago or so, when our dog dusty was put down. i vowed i would never witness it again because it just broke my heart. in the meantime, i’ve been around to watch a couple pigs and a couple chickens be euthanised, but not anyone i was particularly attached to.

so here i am again, and i am dreading it. this is what woke me up at 4am this morning. what’s it going to be like? will she understand? will the vet be gentle? where will mishka (her brother) be? am i going to miss her as much as i think i am?

i’m also contemplating spending the night with her tonight, in the office. i’ve stayed the night there once before and she and mishka LOVED it. i mean, i couldn’t get any sleep because they wouldn’t leave me alone. i didn’t think i was capable of making two cats that happy. and now here it is, the final night of her life, and she gets to spend it with me, and i hope it will make her happy all over again.

the thought of not being there for her euthanasia has crossed my mind, but i don’t think i could do that to her. she’s seen people come and go, and i think i’ve become the only constant companion in her life. carrie asked me the other day if tasha is the oldest living resident of farm sanctuary and it occurred to me … yes, she is! she’s been there from the beginning, back when we were first rescuing farm animals and bringing them to the shelter. they’ve all passed on since then and she and mishka are all that remain.

so, be with us both tomorrow morning. we’re going to need all the comfort we can get.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 23, 2007 8:49 pm

    {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} please give tasha a smooch for me. i am so sorry for all that you’re going through, sarah, i really am.

  2. corinna permalink
    September 24, 2007 5:43 am

    I’m so sorry about Tasha. There are really no words to say to make the pain any less. Only that you should know that her life was a MILLION times better for you being there. She and Mishka love you so much. All my love to you right now.

  3. Colleen permalink
    September 24, 2007 11:18 pm

    You have given Tasha the greatest gift of all: unconditional love until the end of her days. In her last hours, she knew that she will always be loved. You gave that to her.

    I’m sorry for the grief that you have to bear right now. Nothing I can say will take your grief away, but if there’s anything I can do to help you get through it, just let me know.

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