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the end is nigh

August 4, 2007

today, i was feeling pretty good about things. i’ve been trying to be more positive lately, and it’s been working, mostly due to a single happy thing going on in my life. perhaps i’ll share that with you when the time is right.

when i left work today, i was in tears. tasha, the cat i’ve mentioned a couple of times in previous blogs, is not doing well. for those who don’t know, tasha is one of the cats i share my office with every working day. she has a brother, mishka, who also spends his day with me or in some other part of the office. i’ve been working at farm sanctuary for 2.5 years now and have grown tremendously attached to them. given the fact that i spend more time with them than i do my own cats, the bond was inevitable.

a lump was found on tasha’s jaw about a month ago, and it turned out to be cancerous. we took her to two different veterinarians, including UC Davis, only to find out that nothing can be done. we were told to make her as happy and as comfortable as possible, and we’ve been doing just that.

all week i’ve been keeping an eye on her and she’s been doing really well! she eats almost all of her food and has been drinking normal amounts of water. for whatever reason, when i came in this morning, she just looked like a totally different cat. she looked like a cat with a serious ailment. she looked like a cat who is going to die soon.

she’s a total mess; usually tidy and cleaned up, now she’s crusted with food and saliva, and the fur around her genitals is crusted with urine. she is always so pristine looking, unlike her unkempt brother, and now she is more unkempt then he is. i’ve been trying to clean her up with a warm, wet washcloth, but she doesn’t like it and resists me. instead, i try brushing out the crusties, but she can only tolerate so much of that as well.

when i was leaving today, she was asking for loads of attention, so i gave her as much as i could. i had to rush out of there so i could drop off a soil sample at a lab in chico before they closed at 5:30. she jumped onto my desk and gave me this look and i just burst into tears. i had to run out of there because i felt like if i didn’t leave then, i’d never go home tonight.

i think she knows and i think she’s trying to tell me goodbye. she can’t close her mouth all the way anymore because the tumor has spread to the inside of her mouth and along her jawline. her saliva just drips right out of her mouth now, instead of dangling there like a piece of thread. the tumor is clearly visible on her left cheek, and when she looks at you her face looks lopsided because of it.

this whole thing just feels so drawn out. she’s been doing so well lately that i’ve been putting off the whole sadness thought process. every once in awhile i’ll be snuggling with her and i’ll choke up a little bit, but today it just really hit me.

i don’t think i’ll ever be ready to say goodbye to her. i just love her so much.


3 Comments leave one →
  1. Colleen permalink
    August 4, 2007 1:27 am

    I’m sorry, Sarah. Maybe she was saying goodbye. Or maybe she’s just telling you how much she loves you. Either way, just the fact that she went to the trouble to tell you this means something … it means that, when it is her time, she will know how much she is loved.

  2. August 5, 2007 1:19 am

    i’m so sorry to hear about tasha; your post made me tear up. i agree with colleen that tasha DEFINITELY knows how much you love her, and that’s extremely important. i know it’s terribly hard on you, but i’ll just give you the same advice that people gave me when finley got so sick: pour as much love into her as you can. it will make both of you feel better. xoxo

  3. Jocelyn Richards permalink
    August 9, 2007 10:19 pm

    Oh dear god. That is heart-breaking.

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